A Samurai sword could end your life in one swift slice of the blade. Even those who own and use such a sword should take care. There have been stories of those who have severed their own fingers, sliced off their own genitals or even taken their own lives, all by accident, just because they did not take proper care.
But don’t be fooled by the humble Netbook. It, too, can cause its fair share of collateral damage if not handled properly.
In fact, the main difference is that death by Samurai sword is generally quick and relatively painless, whereas the humiliation that can be caused by a Netbook can seem to be a fate worse than death.
But the sword and the Netbook have more in common than you might think.
The Samurai Warrior
Samurai warriors were feared in their time. They followed a strict code of ethics and were absolutely lethal when they chose to brandish their blades.
There are three main types of Samurai sword: the Katana, the longest sword, which is used for outdoor combat; the Wakizashi, which is a bit shorter than the Katana; and the Tanto, which is more or less a dagger.
Samurais used to test their swords on condemned prisoners or cadavers. The action of testing their swords is known as Tameshigiri, which is so often misspelled and mispronounced that you’ll probably find several variations on that and we can’t guarantee that we’ve got it right here.
When the Samurai tested their swords on prisoners, they would slice off their arms, legs, hands or, maybe, heads in one swift movement. Sometimes they’d just split them in two. Whatever seemed right at the time.
Sometimes, once the test humans were dead, were piled on top of each other so the Samurai could practice slicing through multiple bodies.
When Samurais practiced, they followed certain cutting patterns. While some schools kept their patterns a closely guarded secret, they generally followed a certain combination of diagonal, horizontal and vertical cuts.
For example, it might be a downward diagonal, followed by an upward diagonal, followed by a horizontal cut. Or maybe an upward diagonal cut followed by a further horizontal cut on the first body part before it reached the ground. Or maybe two horizontal cuts, the second performed on the first piece before it fell. Or there’s always the vertical cut, perfect for splitting someone clean in two.
The following are five Samurai sword moves that would no doubt prove fatal.
1. Kesa Kiri
The Kesa Kiri is a downward diagonal cut where the blade enters the shoulder at the base of the neck and comes out at the opposite hip. The name comes from kesa, the name of a Japanese robe and kiri, which means cut. The cut itself follows the line of the robe and is generally performed on someone who is standing up.
2. Kiri-age or Gyaku-kesa
This is basically the reverse of the Kesa Kiri, in that it is an upward diagonal cut. Has basically the same result, too.
3. Kubi Kiri
The Kubi Kiri is, quite simply, a decapitation. The true skill in this move, however, is to decapitate a person so swiftly that his unattached head still rests on the neck.
Side note: Samurai warriors were expected to have the strength of spirit to carry out one last move even if they were themselves decapitated. Can you imagine a headless warrior swinging his deadly blade at you? Shiver.
4. Ryo-kuruma
This move is considered to be the most difficult as it involves a horizontal cut through the hips, which means cutting through a heck of a lot of bone – the pelvis and spine.
5. Hara Kiri or Seppuku
If you’re squeamish, stop reading now. This is basically self-disembowelment, an extremely painful death inflicted on oneself in order to uphold one’s honour. Many mistakenly call it Hari Kari when in fact it’s Hara Kiri. Some insist Seppuku is the proper appellation, which is not incorrect; but Hara Kiri was used only verbally.
The way of the Samurai Warrior
“Generally speaking, the way of the warrior is a resolute acceptance of death.”
Miyamoto Musashi
The Hagakure, the practical and spiritual guide for those who want to follow the way of the Samurai, also tells this story…
“In China there was once a man who liked pictures of dragons, and his clothing and furnishings were all designed accordingly. His deep affection for dragons was brought to the attention of the dragon god, and one day a real dragon appeared before his window. It is said that he died of fright. He was probably a man who always spoke big words but acted differently when facing the real thing”.
Is that not what many people are like today? They are full of big, bold words but when it comes down to it, those who are brandishing weapons and shouting the loudest usually have the most to learn and off their mouths that have the most to learn and most to fear.
If there were any Samurai around today, they no doubt would appalled at the dishonour they would see everywhere. No Samurai would boast about his skill or go out looking for a fight.
The way of the Netbook
You might think it’s a pretty safe bet most days to buy a Netbook. What could really happen?
More than you might think. And though it’s unlikely to die directly from using a Netbook, you certainly could die from embarrassment. Or at least wish you had died from embarrassment, because that would be less painful than the humiliation you’re being subjected to.
A Netbook can ruin your life or can simply take it over. But the Samurai sword and Netbook have a little more in common than you might think.
1. Keep your Netbook hidden
If you leave your netbook laying around, others can get their mitts on it. Now you wouldn’t want someone getting hold of your samurai sword, right? You’d keep it locked up, safely. So why would you leave a netbook lying around?
Not convinced? Imagine this:
You accidentally leave your netbook on the kitchen table after breakfast and your significant other decides to check it out. She (or he) then finds the screen names for all the lovelies you’ve been chatting up online.
A hysterical display of unabated jealousy and rage ensues, and then you find both your Netbook and your heart shattered in pieces as you are ejected from the premises you once lovingly called home.
Don’t let this happen to you. Do not leave your Netbook unattended, not even for one second. That’s all it takes to harsh your mellow, ruin your relationship and lose your home.
Of course, you could avoid that by not flirting online, but what’s the fun in that?
2. The dangers of no protection
Sure, you kept meaning to install anti-virus software. You knew firewalls were good for something, but just weren’t sure exactly for what. You felt a vague unease when you ripped up all those offers for identity protection insurance.
Now you know why, after some weasel online has hacked into your accounts and stolen your blasted identity.
Not only that, but they’ve also managed to spend money you haven’t got in no less than three different countries and it’s going to take you ages to sort this out all yourself and to convince your banks and credit card companies that you haven’t bought 4,000 pair of shoes in Belarus.
And that’s time that would have been better spent on playing with your netbook.
3. A Victim of Deception
You’ve received an email from someone in Nigeria, Zimbabwe, the Ivory Coast or, frankly, anywhere, telling you there are millions of dollars sitting in a bank and the person emailing you needs your help to get it out.
You might think there’s no one who would fall for such a silly tale, but there are.
The details of the story may vary. It could involve the relative of a deposed African leader, or a wealthy foreigner who deposited money before being killed in a plane crash, or someone has discovered a hidden pile of money. The point is, the person e-mailing you needs your help and is willing to share a chunk of the money with you if you’re willing to just send them a little money to pay expenses to get the money out of whatever bank it’s in.
I mean, you just need to pay a couple thousand dollars, and you could get millions in return.
If you go ahead and hand over any cash at all – even if it’s just $20 – make no mistake, there will be more demands for cash, psychological pressure and delays. They might even send you a check at some point, but if you make the mistake of cashing it, you could be arrested, because it’s all but a certainty it’s forged. Once you send a little money, you’ll probably send more, because you’ve been sucked in.
A few months later, you’re broke if you’re lucky and in trouble with the law if you’re not. Trust me, it’s happened.
You might think you’re too savvy for anything like this to ever happen to you and chortle as you delete the latest, “Dear kind sir or madam” e-mail from your spam inbox, but many who have been conned through the same thing.
Yes, your cheap and cheerful Netbook could bankrupt you and bring about your ultimate downfall if you’re not careful.
4 The peril of the pics and video vengeance
So, let’s say you send your friend an email with what can be described only as some dodgy pics of you in a bar. You really wouldn’t want anyone else to see these pics, especially your wife or girlfriend, but you knew your mate would find it funny and laugh.
Um, are you sure you double-checked the e-mail address before you hit send? Darn tiny Netbook screens, you knew you shouldn’t have been in such a hurry; why didn’t you buy that 17-inch laptop?
Turns out, you accidentally sent the pics to your wife or girlfriend instead.
The reply comes soon, complete with a link to YouTube.
Uh-oh. She has uploaded a video of you she took when you’d both had a bit too much to drink. There you are in all your naked glory swirling your manhood round and round in time to Abba’s hit song Dancing Queen, prancing round the bedroom.
Fast-forward to an hour later and there have been more than 1,000 views and it’s rising fast. Now someone’s commented that you bear a striking resemblance to Homer Simpson.
The realization dawns: you are going to be an overnight sensation as people across the planet laugh at you and share the video with their friends, their family, their friends’ families and their families’ friends.
Your honor is a goner, and the only option left is Seppuku.
5. Living with Netbook Addiction
Believe it or not, there are some people who might think being addicted to your Netbook is a bad thing.
It’s not necessarily bad, but here are three signs that you might be spending just a little too much time huddled over the small glowing screen:
- You have a habit of e-mailing people who actually live in the same house as you.
- You get up in the middle of the night to get a drink, go to the bathroom, whatever, and decide you might as well check your e-mails before going back to bed. Next thing you know, it’s morning.
- When the kids want to use your computer you tell them they can’t as you have work to do, even though you don’t have a job. At least it instills a work ethic in your children. They don’t need to know you’re playing World of Warcraft, right?
The 7 Virtues of Bushido
Really, the code of the warrior (Bushido) applies to both the Samurai and the Netbook user:
Rectitude – have the presence of mind to do what you have to in the circumstances confronting you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking a Netbook to bed.
Courage – sometimes you will be required to do something you find frightening; courage is doing it anyway. In other words you must stand up to anyone who gets in the way of you and your Netbook, even if they are as fearsome as Miyamoto Musashi, the greatest Samurai warrior ever.
Benevolence – being generous, kind and charitable to others. OK, so now and again you might have to lend your Netbook to someone for a moment or two, perhaps to check train times or something, but only with supervision.
Respect – have regard for the rights of others. Yes, everyone has the right to own a Netbook so respect this right and get your own. Resist the temptation to snoop in anyone else’s Netbook.
Honesty – being true to your cause. This means never forget the ultimate truth: Your Netbook is your passport to everything in life.
Honor – being faithful to your cause. Always remember that your Netbook is your best friend.
A final word
Your Netbook is like a Samurai sword: Don’t let anyone tell you that you spend too much time working on it. A Samurai trains until the end of his days. It really is an utter honor if your whole life is nothing but one long blog.
Right?
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