Man Arrested For Sexually Abusing a Leather Sofa in DFS
A Ripon man who works part time as a landscape gardener was arrested today for performing a lewd and libidinous act on a sofa in the local DFS store.
The manager who was mostly concerned about whether the stains could be removed added “In all my days I’ve never seen anything like it, he just barged in and headed straight for the sofa, come to think of it he had been staring at the sofa through the window for quite some time, I should have seen him coming but it all happened so quick there was nothing I could do to stop him”.
Other eye witness accounts included one from an elderly gentleman, who said he had seen an act like that being performed before, but it was long ago and certainly before his wife died. One visibly distressed woman said that what annoyed her was she didn’t have time to get her mobile out and grab a picture.
It is understood that the man in question actually suffers from a rare condition called
Dorahypheagoraphilia, which means he is aroused by the sight and feel of leather whilst in a public place. People who suffer from this condition find it almost impossible to control their urges.
Information leaked to the press has revealed a special team has been brought in to remove the stains from this latest attack and to establish if there is any link between this and other bodily fluids found on a corner suite last week.
Ironically, the sofa in question had only moments before the incident been sold to a local charity worker who wanted it for her conservatory so she could relax whilst admiring the beautiful but high maintenance Brazilian shrub she planted in her front garden. She is said to be “utterly distraught” by the whole matter but has “total compassion” for the man as she could understand perfectly well why the sofa had so much appeal as she had been attracted to it as soon as she caught sight of it too.
Sources close to the Dorahypheagoraphiliac told news reporters that this isn’t the first time he has done it. He was previously employed at MFI who said that they had to let him go due to a flagrant and immoral act with a Chesterfield suite. He obviously had no qualms whatsoever about having a threesome.
The culprit, dressed in a black T-shirt with the logo Slashdot has
apologised to DFS saying he “just couldn’t help it. The leather was so
soft and inviting”. He has also apologised to the new owner of the sofa.
North Yorkshire Police released this statement a few minutes ago:
A local man in his early thirties was arrested after staff at a popular furniture store became concerned about his behaviour. This man is known to us and he is currently under house arrest pending psychiatric and social background reports. We can confirm that he poses no danger to the general public.
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ROFLMAO!!!!