11 Reasons Gaming Ruins Your Sex Life

We are all aware that there are a number of things that can damage our sex life, but let’s face it, gaming is a biggie. We’re not just talking about the obvious factors either like playing for hours on end and staying up late into the night, no, no, no. It gets a whole lot worse than that. Just in case you are not aware of all the pitfalls, the following list represents just some of the things to look out for and that doctors have reported around the world so they are all very well documented. 

1. Incorrect interference with neural pathways

This happens due to being surrounded by a constant field of static electricity, which in turn affects how the brain sends signals. The result can be incorrect bodily movements at very inappropriate times, for example, you are just reaching 2nd base when a touch of a graceful ballet dancer is required along with a stroking motion, then without warning “incorrect interference” kicks in and you suddenly start twitching, twisting, jumping and kicking, leaving the other half shocked, bewildered, and somewhat sore.

2. Repetitive fire finger strain

Come on, we have all had this whilst playing Halo? This is probably the most reported of all the gaming injuries. You know, hitting that fire button way too many times resulting in either a strained tendon or an uncontrollable finger shake. Now an uncontrollable finger shake you could get away with but a strained tendon would result in you having to use a different finger to perform any sexual function and as we all know those “other fingers” just don’t have the same training. Obviously this could result in an extremely poor performance…

3. Inappropriate phrase selection at height of excitement…

Again this one is very widely reported, it simply involves calling out phrases that are highly inappropriate for the situation you find yourself in. Some examples of these include “die noob”, “LMAO loser” or any combination of the following words and phrases; whoa are you freakin serious, LMFAO, time to kick some noob ass, blow me you retard, way to go, and so on. You get the picture. Can you imagine the face of your partner when they are about to reach orgasm and you shout “LMAO loser”? This would surely end up with any post coital cigarette being smoked alone in the spare room.

4. The gamer’s diet

Did you know that some food causes our bodies to release more sexual hormones than necessary? We could argue that World Of War Craft does the same but this has to be negated by the gamers typical diet of potato chips (crisps if your English) which is normally in the form of a giant size packet of Doritos washed down with huge amounts of Dr peppers… this will inevitably release huge amounts of MSG and Hydrogenated oil into the blood stream resulting in a short spike of energy to get you past that last level at 3am, but after that you’re simply bushed and just want to sleep, leaving your partner high and dry …

5. Level complete syndrome

You know, you promise yourself just one more level, “honey I will be right there… just one more level… yep be right with ya … almost there…”. Shit … now I have the super blast shot gun status of God and will have to keep going… “5 minutes, I promise …” 3 hours later and you finally make your way to bed, by then if your partner has not done it manually then they are certainly asleep … This can result in a very frosty morning after as well …

6. Disillusion character syndrome

Now this can swing a number of ways depending on your sexuality. Basically you really fall in love with Lara Croft or Master Chief and feel that by making love to your actual partner you are actually cheating on your gaming partner. This can be very distressing and can result in years of serious talking therapies trying to resolve your guilt.

7. Expansion pack problems

You’ve been playing for months existing only on your skill and your gamer’s diet and have all but forgotten your regular visits to the gym. Before you know it you have an unwanted expansion pack installed just where your six-pack used to be. Even if you do manage to muster up the energy to roll into bed your partner is unlikely to be turned on if they are smothered under a ton of extra blubber, and that leads us nicely to the next problem.

8. The cable is too short

All that Taurine you’ve been drinking might make you feel more bullish but unfortunately the new super-size you has increased the geographical distance between your manhood and where it wants to be. To be blunt about it, your cable is now too short for the job and you find it difficult if not impossible to plug in and keep it plugged in and all that faffing around is more likely to switch you both off. Ok, we’ve all had disasters between the sheets but this one takes months to undo and by then your partner is likely to be plugging someone else.

9. Image transference

The mood is absolutely perfect, your partner is obviously aroused and you are about to make an entrance when for some strange reason you are reminded of a login screen. This stops you in your tracks and all you can think about is your username and password. Worse still, you are watching your partner’s facial expressions during sex and the image transforms in your mind into one of the monsters you encountered earlier that evening, again your progress is interrupted. Try explaining that to your partner and see what happens to your night of passion.

10. Addict v Addict

This one is less common than the others but serious enough to merit a mention. Your partner just happens to be addicted to gaming too. Apart from all the other problems, the whole scenario becomes much worse if you have a higher level than your partner does, which can provoke anything from basic sulky jealousy to an outright declaration of war. Inevitably there will be some degree of competitiveness, how much will depend on the character traits of your real life partner. If you are lucky, and this is extremely rare, the drive to outplay each other can lead to rampant angry sex and fantastic adventures in the bedroom but the reality is more often than not night after night facing a cold and motionless, pyjama-clad body, with no action at all.

11. Failure to heed the warning signs

Apart from all the other signs that all is not well in the bedroom department, watch out for irritating comments like “you spend more time on your Xbox/Computer than you do with me” sort of thing, which if allowed to progress will invariably end with an ultimatum like “either the computer goes or I do”. You know the score; you’ve heard it all a hundred times before. The temptation to ignore it is overwhelming. If this is you then look out. Before you know what has hit you your partner is likely to be enjoying nights of passion with someone who isn’t attached to a console. This one is nearly always fatal for your sex life as it can be difficult if not impossible to convince your partner to come back to your bed. Ok so you get peace to play and don’t have to listen to the constant nagging whilst you’re trying to complete a mission but your sex life in the real world will be well and truly over, how else when you rarely leave your screen. Your only hope of action after that will be of the virtual kind with an avatar and your right hand.